Sooo, tonight I am shopping at Walgreens. Innocent enough...right? My daughter wanted some candy so I thought we would browse through the store, killing time until I had to pick another daughter up from a basketball game. We are looking at candy, we love candy by the way, I am not thinking of my Mom right at this moment. I say that because so much of my day is spent thinking of her. Sometimes it seems as if she is in every thought. I try to get things done, but I find myself just moving through the motions,in a blur, while seeing her, talking to her, thinking of her. But right now, I was helping my 11 year old decide between sweet tarts and chocolate bars. Over the surround sound in the store I hear the lyrics of a song start "If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air...quaint little villages here and there..you're sure to fall in love with old cape cod" I am sure I froze...it seemed time stopped. I was aware of nothing but this song resounding thru my head.

I have never heard this song actually played on the radio before in my life. When I was maybe 9 or 10, I tried to learn to play my grandmothers piano. It was a beautiful old piano...in my eyes. It had been an upright player piano but my grandma had removed the player portion.She had also painted it everytime the fancy to paint struck her. At this point in my life I vividly remember it being painted with some sort of technique that was supposed to make it resemble real, stained wood. FYI... it did not resemble real stained wood. Anyways, I loved pulling open the front of the piano and seeing the insides work.. watching the motion of the strings being hit by the key pads. Obviously I don't play the piano as I don't even know the correct terms for the parts. But, Mama had bought me a book with songs in it that were or had been popular at one time. She picked out this song "Old Cape Cod" and sang it for me. I could read simple notes and once she sang it for me, I could pick it out on the keys and I would play it for her. Until tonight, other than her singing it and my playing it, I had never heard it. So, there I stood in the Walgreens candy aisle, with tears about to burst out of my eyes. I have no idea what Anna Claire said to me or anything else that was going on around me. I remember nodding feebly when she asked something about 2 for 2 dollars. I just heard that song and listened intently.For over 30 years I've had that song in my head from my piano days... I could see everything like it was yesterday...I can not get over hearing it tonight. How could I let her alcoholism, her constant drinking, cause me to forget that she was my Mama? There were happy, good times when she was every bit as good as she could be. I just chose to forget about those and let my anger take front and center. God help me. Mama forgive me please. God forgive me please. I say this so many times a day now.

I must look pretty haggard these days. I know at one point I was wiping the corner of my eyes to keep the tears from rolling down my nose, and my nose was beat red. But Anna Claire never skipped a beat with questions about what candy she could get. I'm glad they don't notice. I don't want them worrying. The guilt I have is something I will die with. It won't go away, I don't expect it to, I don't want it to. Its my punishment and I deserve it. I deserve worse.

Blogging, I am a novice. I don't really expect anyone else to be reading this tho. If you happen to stumble upon my ramblings, you are most welcome to read. Just realize this isn't professional stuff here. Mostly just me, trying to make sense of the hundreds of thoughts that bombard my brain daily since my Mama passed away on New Years Eve, 2008. She drank herself to a death I wasn't ready for. A death she wasn't ready for. A death that could possibly drive me insane with the images...the gosh awful images and guilt I must now hold onto for the remainder of my days.