I haven't had the gumption to write lately...its hard enough just thinking about my Mom. But to sit and put my thoughts concretely in front of me makes it even more painful. I am still so much mired in the grieving...not that I expect or want it to go away. That would mean she wasn't important...wasn't special...wasn't the only mother I will ever have. I know I am still punishing myself but I am ok with that too. Still blaming, still wishing I had gotten off my ass and done something to prevent this.

I did go home last month. I hate to fly and I never flew home to see her when she was alive. Yes...I have lots of good reasons to punish myself and I can easily justify my guilt. Anyway, so I had such a heavy, heavy heart of late. I just thougth that maybe if I went home it would help me to deal with this. Everything happened so quick when she passed that I thought maybe going home, seeing family, visiting her grave..just maybe it would ease me to a spot where I could begin to get thru this.

So I flew home and rented a car at the airport. I drove the 30 minutes or so to my hometown. I cried for some of the drive...sad to think how excited she would have been that I was flying in to see her. Angry at myself...so freakin angry. By the time I turned onto the road to the cemetary I was shaking..shaking so hard, trying not to cry. I was bawling before I ever got to her grave. I drove right up to it and didn't even realize for a moment I was there. The stark reality of it hit me like a punch in the stomach. This was not where she was supposed to be, not where I was supposed to be...coming to a grave. Someone had put some artificial flowers on her grave. Probably my aunt, her sister. She loved my mama so much. Such a good sister. Always loved her no matter what. She looked past her drinking and just loved her. Worried about her all the time. My mama was the baby. Yet the first to go. Again the thought of this wasn't the way things were supposed to be. I sat there and sobbed until I thought that I wouldn't be able to breath. I vainly tried to slow down, calm myself down but couldn't. I walked around the cemetary to get myself together. This seemed to work. My breathing came easier finally. Before my mama died it had been years since I had visited this cemetary. My little brother is buried here as are my paternal grandparents. I found my little brothers grave and sat by that for a few moments. I am sure his death at 2 almost 3 years old probably had a part in my Mama and Daddy's drinking. I was only around 4 when he died but I do remember him being very sick and vividly remember the night of his death. Another days post maybe.

So, I left the cemetary..crying again, stupidly talking to the ground telling her bye. She was still gone, still dead. Why I thought this would help I'm not sure. She is gone. I am no longer looking for a way out of this cloud I am in. This is my place for the remainder of my life on earth and I am ok with it. I do feel like this is my cross that I have to bear. And I will do it without fuss or fanfare. My family doesn't know how much I am bothered. My oldest daughter does. And my older brother. I think they know only because they share some of the same feelings that I have. Why? Why didn't I call her back? Why couldn't I just let her be her and not be angry and mad at her for drinking all the time? Why didn't I call her on Thanksgiving? Why didn't I go home sooner and maybe she could have gotten medical care sooner? Why did I trust my dumbass, selfish younger brother to look after her when I know he is borderline learning disabled? Why did I forget all the great things she did and only look at the drinking? Why did I just turn my back on her? I will hate myself forever....

Sooo, tonight I am shopping at Walgreens. Innocent enough...right? My daughter wanted some candy so I thought we would browse through the store, killing time until I had to pick another daughter up from a basketball game. We are looking at candy, we love candy by the way, I am not thinking of my Mom right at this moment. I say that because so much of my day is spent thinking of her. Sometimes it seems as if she is in every thought. I try to get things done, but I find myself just moving through the motions,in a blur, while seeing her, talking to her, thinking of her. But right now, I was helping my 11 year old decide between sweet tarts and chocolate bars. Over the surround sound in the store I hear the lyrics of a song start "If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air...quaint little villages here and there..you're sure to fall in love with old cape cod" I am sure I froze...it seemed time stopped. I was aware of nothing but this song resounding thru my head.

I have never heard this song actually played on the radio before in my life. When I was maybe 9 or 10, I tried to learn to play my grandmothers piano. It was a beautiful old piano...in my eyes. It had been an upright player piano but my grandma had removed the player portion.She had also painted it everytime the fancy to paint struck her. At this point in my life I vividly remember it being painted with some sort of technique that was supposed to make it resemble real, stained wood. FYI... it did not resemble real stained wood. Anyways, I loved pulling open the front of the piano and seeing the insides work.. watching the motion of the strings being hit by the key pads. Obviously I don't play the piano as I don't even know the correct terms for the parts. But, Mama had bought me a book with songs in it that were or had been popular at one time. She picked out this song "Old Cape Cod" and sang it for me. I could read simple notes and once she sang it for me, I could pick it out on the keys and I would play it for her. Until tonight, other than her singing it and my playing it, I had never heard it. So, there I stood in the Walgreens candy aisle, with tears about to burst out of my eyes. I have no idea what Anna Claire said to me or anything else that was going on around me. I remember nodding feebly when she asked something about 2 for 2 dollars. I just heard that song and listened intently.For over 30 years I've had that song in my head from my piano days... I could see everything like it was yesterday...I can not get over hearing it tonight. How could I let her alcoholism, her constant drinking, cause me to forget that she was my Mama? There were happy, good times when she was every bit as good as she could be. I just chose to forget about those and let my anger take front and center. God help me. Mama forgive me please. God forgive me please. I say this so many times a day now.

I must look pretty haggard these days. I know at one point I was wiping the corner of my eyes to keep the tears from rolling down my nose, and my nose was beat red. But Anna Claire never skipped a beat with questions about what candy she could get. I'm glad they don't notice. I don't want them worrying. The guilt I have is something I will die with. It won't go away, I don't expect it to, I don't want it to. Its my punishment and I deserve it. I deserve worse.

Blogging, I am a novice. I don't really expect anyone else to be reading this tho. If you happen to stumble upon my ramblings, you are most welcome to read. Just realize this isn't professional stuff here. Mostly just me, trying to make sense of the hundreds of thoughts that bombard my brain daily since my Mama passed away on New Years Eve, 2008. She drank herself to a death I wasn't ready for. A death she wasn't ready for. A death that could possibly drive me insane with the images...the gosh awful images and guilt I must now hold onto for the remainder of my days.